Direction

This last week I have been wondering, wondering where I am headed to. All the shit that's been happening at work, it kind of threw me off track and I'm left wondering what I should be doing next. It turned out that talking to my manager was a good idea in fact and things actually have started to change, in less than a week ! I never expected him to agree with me on everything I brought up but he did and told me that I was absolutely right. What the heck?  If you know about these issues already then why are you keep doing it? Do you really need someone to tell you before you actually do something? So I went in strong and ready to fight for my point, and I got an apology instead. I was astounded because lets just say it's not the behavior I was expecting. So far so good.

For some reason though I still feel like I don't know if I want to stay or look elsewhere. They blew my fuse and every morning I wonder what I'm still doing here. A colleague of mine, that doesn't know anything about my situation, told me that you shouldn't get attached to your job, just go in 9 to 5, do your job and when it's time to get out forget about it. I always thought there was more than that to a job. I'm committed to my job, I put in more time when there's that need, I go home and get on email and do work things and I travel nearly once a month to our office in UK. I would expect that all that would gain you some respect and recognition, but I'm starting to have doubts if any of that really matters, and if indeed you should treat it as a job that you do from 9 to 5 and that's it nothing more.

I am relatively young and still a baby in the work field. I've had experience with one other company and that was only for a few months. I still have so much to learn and I'm scared shitless of doing the wrong move. I need some direction, all this thinking I'm doing about this is distracting me from doing anything else because that's how I am, before I settle a situation and I'm sure of what I'm doing I won't be able to rest. I hate the way I am sometimes, some people just seem like they don't care about anything and are able to take risks without knowing what the outcome will be but I am so not able to do that.

Take one

I always see these things on blogs which I figured are called Meme. I like to read them and see what I would answer, so I decided to post on my blog if I see one that I like. Kinda cheesy? I've been seeing this one on quite a few blogs so I'm giving it a shot.

1) The phone rings. Who are you hoping it is?
My brother to tell me he's coming over, I love that kid.

2) When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Oh yes every time, I hate it when people don't.

3) In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
Definitely a listener. I don't talk much when I'm around new people but once I get to know them it's fine. In any case I'm more of a listener though.

4) If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
I really don't know. I would panic and be scared for sure. I'm quite the survivor but in the wilderness, that would be different.

5) Do you like to ride horses?
I never rode a horse in my entire life and I would love to. I think I would like it.

6) Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
No I never did. I always thought it would be fun though.

7) What was your favorite board game as a kid?
I loved board games when I was kid. My favorite were Scrabble and Monopoly. I also had this board game called Cops and Robbers that I liked.

8) If a sexy person was pursuing you but you knew he/she was taken, what would you do?
I don't think I would take that in consideration. If they were pursuing someone while they're taken then something must be wrong, right?

9) Would you date someone with different religious beliefs?
I don't think I would mind. I'm not a religious person at all so it wouldn't make much difference. Unless they had some extreme beliefs which I didn't agree on.

10) Are you continuing your education?
Not at the moment, but I hope I will one day.

11) Do you know how to shoot a gun?
No, I'd like to learn though, just for fun.

12) If the house was on fire, what's the first thing you'd grab?
Oh my I don't know I would probably try to grab as much things as I can.

13) How often do you read books?
I'm always reading books, I try to read every night.

14) Do you think more about the past, present or future?
I think a lot about the future. In fact everything I do I'm thinking about the future and how what I do will affect it.

15) What is your favorite children's book?
I don't really remember, I know I had a shitload of books and I'm surprised I can't remember any of them right now.

16) How tall are you?
Short, some 5'3".

17) Where is your ideal house located?
My ideal house will have to be big and in some poshy area of town. I want to move to California one day.

18) Last person you talked to?
My mother, she came over for a 'lil. 

19) When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Can you believe that I've never been to Olive Garden??

20) What are the keys on your key chain for?
My car key, house key and FOB for work.

21) What did you do last night?
I stayed in and watched TV.

22) Where is your current pain at the moment?
Pain? I don't have any pain.

23) Do you like mustard?
Yes ! I love it with pork, yum.

24) Do you like your Mom or Dad?
I haven't seen my dad in a long time, it must be nearly 10 years now. I don't really like him either, it's probably best if I don't see him. I love my mom, don't know what I would do without her. We argue and fight sometimes, but we just can't live without each other.

25) How long does it take you in the shower?
About 20 minutes or so usually. Unless I'm in a hurry.

26) What movie do you want to see right now?
The Kite Runner. I'm just reading the book and I'm loving it, so I want to see the movie next.

27) Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
Not usually no. The only time I put lotion on my dog was when he got this allergy and the vet gave me a lotion for it.

28) What did you do for New Years?
I went to a party at a friend's house. It was a small party with just a few friends, but it was fun.

29) Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I haven't seen The Grudge yet, that might be a movie to watch soon.

30) Do you own a camera phone?
Yes my cell phone has a 3.2MP camera, it's pretty good for a camera phone.

31) What is the last letter of your middle name?
A, I know I have so many As in my name.

32) Who did you vote for on American Idol?
I didn't vote, ha !

Dilemma

Right now I feel confused and I don't know what to think. I've been at my job for nearly two years and I have always loved it. It was challenging, exciting and I was learning new things all the time. Every day was different and after a day at work I went home feeling satisfied and happy that I have this job. So the fact that for the past weeks I haven't been feeling anything like that is bothering me a little, or a lot. I go to work every morning thinking ugh I have 8 more hours in here how am I going to survive?? Nothing is fun about it anymore and everything just seems so boring. The people in my team are ok, but sometimes I just feel out of place, like I don't belong in this team. I hate feeling this way, because I used to love my job and can't really understand how I ended up in this situation. Things have changed so much, and I don't even want to talk about how people act in this team. I used to be in a team with some awesome people, I still work with these people but we are not part of the same team, and that's mostly the thing that's keeping me from just plain quitting. I don't like working in such a competitive environment where people just do things to get credit for it and have their name up there, who gives a shit about the rest? I used to be in a team where we all worked together, worked hard to make sure we excelled at our job and had fun doing it. Now it doesn't matter if you do a crappy job, its more important if you finish 5 shitty tasks than finish 3 good quality tasks, because the person that does the 5 tasks is going to be patted on the back and everyone else is going to be told see that's how we need to be? And when I hear something like that I'm thinking excuse me?? You mean that we'd rather finish a million shitty tasks than actually concentrating on doing things right? Because I can do that very easily but what the heck? Sometimes I can't even believe that this is the same company that I joined nearly two years ago. Yesterday I was so fed up with everything that I updated my résumé and was looking at job vacancies. Today I was thinking, why was I even thinking about that? My problem is that I keep thinking that things may change again and one minute I want to run away from that place and the next I think it's not really that bad if you learn to deal with it. But how do you know when it's time to move on? Is it normal to have doubts about your job? If you feel that nobody appreciates anything you do anymore, is that a good enough reason to start looking elsewhere? If it is then why am I not certain that it's time to find something new, somewhere when I can be happy with my job again and don't have any doubts about it? Should you try to voice concerns such as these to your manager, or is it best not to? It's so frustrating having all these questions and nobody to answer them, or at least someone to help you to come to a conclusion. My head feels like it's going to blow up with all these thoughts. Partly because I don't think I want to accept it either.

No, I'm not crazy...yet

I don't know what happened but since I have been up on my feet again I feel like I have changed radically. My outlook on life for instance, everything seems exciting right now, even little things like going grocery shopping. What's up with that? Besides that I have a list of a close to a million things that I want to do. Hopefully I'll get to do all of them before I die, but it's so long I wonder if I will have enough time, ha ! I also keep thinking that all this energy is going to trail off and everything will get back to normal, i.e. spending all my free time doing nothing, going to work every morning wishing the day would end already and basically just wasting my life away. It somewhat scares me that I would go back to my old ways, because all I want to do is enjoy life at this point, think positive and get out there and do everything I want. A relapse would just mean that I failed, and I sure as hell will be trying my darnest not to. It's like I owe it to myself.

I have gone on a shopping spree too and eBay is my best friend at the moment. I swear I love that site. I'm in the middle of throwing all my old stuff away and literally changing everything I own. And I do mean everything, from my clothes and shoes to the smallest things such as the key ring that holds my keys. Yesterday I just received my new wallet in the mail, isn't it purty?

Right now I'm waiting for a new backpack, a watch and a sleek cover for my iPod Touch. I'm loving this change, and it's about time too !

Yesterday I came across a blog and when I started reading the first posts I realized, am I imagining this? This blog belongs to a 40 something year old woman who wants to find out the things that he likes doing, just like I want to do. There is an age difference between her and me, and her reasons may be entirely different, but knowing that people do find themselves in the same situation was kind of comforting. At least I know that it's not just me, because I actually thought I was half-baked and didn't know what I wanted. My initial thoughts were that at 21 it was a bit late to start discovering who I am because it seems everyone knows their hobbies and what they like to do and I just didn't have a clue. Hopefully taking this step in my life will be worthwile. 

Free

I am *finally* free. No more hopping around on one leg, no more crutches, I can walk ! Oh how I love putting on my shoes and bounce around. You never really think about it but being able to walk is a blessing, and I realized that since I have not been able to walk much for the last couple of months. It's so restrictive and it makes everything a hundred times harder. It sucked out all the motivation from me and I just didn't have any energy to do anything. The few days that I have been walking I feel like I was reborn, literally. I have all the energy to do things and it seems like there aren't enough hours in the day, because before I know it it's midnight and I don't even feel like sleeping.

In less than a week I've been catching up on the things that I absolutely hated doing because I couldn't walk. For instance I've been shopping, that's got to be one of my favorite things to do, I just need an infinite amount of money to make it more fun. I have been really enjoying cooking, I never really did cook much before but now I'm on a roll and I'm actually being more creative with my meals. I have even been doing extra cooking, like baking cookies that came out absolutely delicious. Doesn't it feel awesome when you cook something and it turns out great? Something that radically changed is that I want to get out of the house and I jump at every opportunity to go out. Ha all I wanted to was sit at home and going out used to be such a big deal ! Not anymore.

I love this feeling of being free, being able to do anything I like, and most of all this energy that seemed to have accumulated and now needs to come out. It just feels great.

And don't ever break your leg !